Month: March 2005

Dissecting Queen’s Alumni Spam

The following is the text of an email sent to the Queen’s Alumni mailing list. I graduated last year, so that means I’m alumni. Karen Hitchcock (the current principal of Queen’s) wants us alumni to write words about the school so she can get more money and everything will be better.

I met the former principal of Queen’s (Billy Leg$$$) and shook his hand. He was a fish doctor. He had a firm handshake and would look you straight in the eye and tell you that he was going to take your money.

Anyway, here is the letter with some annotations for clarity:

Dear Alumni,

Ontario is at a crossroads in its support for higher education and your help can make a positive difference for the future.

HI GLORIOUS READER. I AM PLEASED TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE, AND SORRY TO DISTURB YOU. I AM CONTACTING YOU BECAUSE I HAVE $25,000,000 IN A BANK ACCOUNT IN NIGERIA. I AM FORMER ASTRONAUT. IF YOU DONATE SMALL SUM OF MONEY I WILL WAVE TO YOU FROM HERE.

Thanks to the commendable work by former Ontario Premier Bob Rae, we now have a roadmap for the future of postsecondary education in this province. Mr. Rae recently presented his report, Ontario: A Leader in Learning, to Premier Dalton McGuinty and Minister of Training, Colleges & Universities Mary Anne Chambers.

Crossroads? Roadmap? Someone broke out the thesaurus. The letter goes on for awhile, and I continue to do this (if you’re interested).

(more…)

Top 100 Literary Characters

Here are the 100 favourite fictional characters… as chosen by 100 literary luminaries. I found this one kind of funny:

God: Polymorphic, unpredictable, unaccountable; omnipotent yet negligent, kind yet vicious. Suitable to any genre or period. Able to hold centre stage in plot, or work subtly in deep background. Never requires a deus ex machina. A character you can immerse yourself in, forever.

No Holden Caulfield. That’s a bit of disapointment, it is a British list though.